I get regular email newsletters from a Catholic priest, a Buddhist nun, a Stoic writer, a clearinghouse covering a range of spiritual practices, numerous scientists, therapists and coaches. (Not to mention both political parties, lots of running and outdoor publications, and a smattering of gurus trying to sell me the latest silver bullet that is going to solve my problems or make me lots of money.)
Why so many?
Because I am searching for the answer to the million-dollar question: How to live well? How to live with integrity. How to live with urgency, agency, and purpose. How to make sure this one precious life has not been wasted. I feel immense, and sometimes overwhelming, gratitude just to have these days, and I surely do not want to waste them. While I have some idea how I want to live, I know there are smarter people out there and I can use all the help I can get.
And what I’m discovering across all these disciplines and in all facets of life is a common theme. They may use different words and come from different traditions and perspectives, but in the end, I feel they are all aiming at the same goal. I boil it down to LOVE. A life well-lived is a life of love. Learning to love yourself, your whole self. Which frees you, and I might even say compels you—to love others.
This is not really news or new, and it sounds so simple, but wow is love hard.
My mom and dad are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. (They are amazing!) I was talking with a woman whose parents just celebrated 50 years of marriage, and her mom made this incredibly insightful comment:
“I don’t know why we celebrate birthdays. All you have to do is wake up and live another day. Anniversaries are worth celebrating. It takes a lot of hard work to stay married.”
Isn’t that the truth? I’m sure my mom would agree. I have just 12 years of marriage under my belt, and I recently described it to a friend as “a beautiful hard thing.”
Love is hard. Really hard. Especially when it involves another human being.
But the first part of the equation is loving yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard all those relationship experts who say you have to love yourself before you can love others. I thought it was just another clichéd expression and assumed, “Well, of course, I love me. Duh. It’s me.”
Right? Don’t I?
When in fact, I did not. I thought being hard on myself, pushing myself, and trying to be the best was loving myself. But that was a bunch of BS disguised as love. Somewhere along the line, I came to believe that I could only be loved under certain conditions, and I had a witchy voice inside who would constantly remind me of them. You must be pleasing and perfect and outwork and outperform others. Anything less is failure. And nobody loves a failure.
I thought that because I was praised for my achievements, achieving was the only way to feel loved. Love was earned and deserved. Even though no one told me that; I interpreted the world’s messages to mean that.
My little witch was soooo harsh. And it took a long time, decades, for me to stop believing her horrible lies. To believe I was loved even if I wasn’t perfect, pleasing, or the top performer.
It took a lot of reflection to see how I came to that conclusion and realize I could change my interpretation. When I recognized that I gave love that “earned” meaning, I could also see that I could change it. I could choose what to believe.
So, I stopped believing the lies and told myself a new story. I could be loved just for being me. That choice made all the difference in the world. After I put down the whip I’d been flogging myself with, life flowed a little more easily. I felt freer. And as the experts would predict, I believe I was better at loving others.
But like marriage, it takes work to stay in love with myself! I make plenty of mistakes, do and say things I wish I could take back, and there remains a little judgment and resentment that I wasted a lot of time. Like any relationship, it takes time, energy, and effort—and plenty of forgiveness and grace—to stay in love. But I trust that whatever way I take care of myself will spill over into how I love and care for others. So, I shall commit to the hard work and keep loving on.
What’s love got to do with living well? Everything, it seems.
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Thank you to the Catholics, Buddhists, Stoics, philosophers and spiritual teachers, coaches and therapists, and Mother Nature and everyday people who keep teaching me and challenging me to love more, to love better.
