John and I exchanged many emails during the course of our friendship. We talked about writing a book together, but unfortunately a higher power had other plans. This week marks the nine-year anniversary of his passing from the same insidious cancer I had.
He was a lifeline when my boat was sinking. We shared the same flimsy raft on the waves of the C. I miss his smile and his humor and his wisdom. It feels like a hundred years ago and none at the same time. Grief and time are not linear.
I decided to go back through some of our messages, looking for one in particular that has remained with me all these years. I finally found it.
The subject line was “Life is good – three years on.” He was describing the course of events over the three years from his diagnosis, and after all the facts and milestones, he added:
“It was easy to alter my perspective, when knowing the sobering statistics, to never say “I have to …”, but rather “I get to…” and he listed a few mundane tasks like riding the bus to work, solving data problems, and shoveling snow.
I remember nodding in agreement at his “I get to shovel all this snow” comment, knowing the gift that some chores become when you realize what it is like not to be able to do them — or that you may never do them again.
Every day is a GET TO. Every chore to every treat.
It is a simple reframe from I HAVE TO…(fill in the blank) to I GET TO… It spins it enough that I can see the “have to” from a different angle – a more grateful angle. In honor of John, I’m putting a note above my desk: I GET TO, in thick marker, to remind me of the gift every day really is.
In the meantime, I get to remember a wonderful man who made the crazy ride of the C feel more like a shared adventure than a lonely ride through hell. He was a highlight during life’s lowest points. I’m pretty sure our co-authored book would have included a full chapter of GET TOs. And we shared some fun ones…PET scans, shots in the belly, hallucinations, chills that could break a tooth. But the real GET TOs were every day, every holiday, every birthday, every mundane moment we got to experience. I only wish he were given more of them.
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I hope you enjoy whatever you GET to do today.
Thank you for rambling along with me…
